I enjoy being a girl...but I'm really kind of terrible at it.

I'm a t-shirt and jeans kind of girl.  In fact I didn't wear a dress voluntarily until I was in my 20s.  Which might stem from the fact that my mother always made us wear dresses on holidays, birthdays, and to church with hairbows that were larger than our heads.

My childhood as a human helicopter.

I am terrible at dressing myself. I bought my first pair of "heels" last year and the heel is an inch thick.  I fall over when I'm barefoot so stilettos are quite likely never going to happen.

I am horrible at cleaning.  I don't know the first thing about cooking.  I hand sewed something once and SURPRISE I sewed it to the leg of my pants!  I just found out how to volumize my hair, and I'm still pretty tragic with makeup though now it's less of a "my eye makeup looks like a panda" thing and more of an "it takes me an hour to make my face look normal" thing.

When people get engaged I don't ask them questions. I say congratulations and smile while thinking "You poor schmucks!"  I only recently realized that this is not the typical girl response.  Apparently I'm supposed to ask how he proposed, I am supposed to ask to see the ring and ask about the wedding date and the colors and what they are going to wear.  I don't care about any of that stuff...that's their personal business.  I didn't even plan my own wedding, why the heck would I care about the details of someone else's?

I also don't ask about people's children.  Apparently having a child of my own is supposed to make me automagically give a crap about EVERY CHILD EVER but I'm missing that chip too.  I love my kid more than anything in the entire world and I would do absolutely anything for him.  I don't really care about anyone else's children*.   I don't care what your kid made on their report card.  Here's a tip: if a person's eyes gloss over when you mention your children,..they don't care.  Assuming everyone with a child wants to hear details about everyone's children is like saying "You have a computer, so do I! Let me tell you all the specs!" to a person who doesn't care about the inter-workings of computers.  They aren't trying to be rude, they enjoy their computer, but they don't particularly care about your graphics card.

While I'm on the topic of kids can I just say that if you talk baby-talk to a baby in front of me that I will have to use EVERYTHING in my body not to punch you in the face.  The baby doesn't understand language, you are supposed to.  Speak it properly.  You look like a dumbass, I promise, even the baby thinks so.

I have always had way more guy friends than girl friends.  The girl friends I do have are awesome and we typically have much more interesting conversations than I do with my guy friends.  The ratio is probably something like 80% male friends and 20% female friends so I by default hang out with guys more often.  I wish I could get to like a 50/50% ratio but I don't really foresee that happening.  Another reason is probably that I'm not a girly girl.  I am loud, I cuss like a sailor, I drink beer, I burp, and I'd rather shoot pool (poorly mind you) than go to a dance club.

Even if you think I'm an asshole, I assure you that I only kind of am.  I am just really awful at realizing these are things I'm supposed to be good at or care about.  I've always been pretty comfortable in my own skin.  I've only just begun to realize that not everyone feels that way.  I have never really cared what anyone else ever thought about me.  I'm  fine with being terrible at "girly things".  As long as I'm okay with myself I don't care if no one else likes me.  I only have to live with myself everyday and I think I'm pretty awesome, even if I am domestically handicapped and have a potty mouth.

*There is a VERY small exception of a few friend's kids that are just really cool.  If I've never asked you about your kid then it's not you.