Believe it or not, there was a time many many moons ago when I was not a snarky bitch. In fact, I was the complete opposite of the lovely person that I've grown to be. I'm sure my parents are at least slightly disappointed, but I don't feel badly about it at all. I'm sure your parents are slightly disappointed in you too. It's kind of their gig.
This was back in the 1990s when "shut up" was a bad word and PeeWee was known for his acting. I went to church every Sunday. I was nice to everyone in my class (even the scuzzy kids). I played nicely with my sister most of the time even though she was kind of a bitch back then. My favorite show was -no joke- Little House on the Prairie. Those Ingles morals must have really made an impression on my young mind because I know I never paid attention in church at that age (or ever).
Anyway, I was very nice little girl blah blah blah. My parents allowed us to watch The Simpsons before bed each week. There was an episode called "Two Cars in Every Garage And Three Eyes on Every Fish" in which Bart Simpson who was my cartoon crush at the time decided to break my heart into a billion little pieces.
HOW DARE YOU BREAK MY ADORABLE LITTLE HEART BART SIMPSON! LOOK HOW CUTE I WAS!
He said the following prayer:
"Dear God, we paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing"
It was at that moment that I stomped out the room, threw my hands in the air and declared I would never ever watch The Simpsons again. Or at least that's how I remember it. Bart's blasphemous prayer had sparked a fire in me and I was no longer going to watch my favorite cartoon because of my upstanding morality.
This is one of my parents favorite stories to tell, I suppose because of the way I turned out. I will say one thing though that "HOW DARE YOU!?" mentality was obviously there from the get go. I still get mad and throw my arms in the air, or facepalm, or headdesk. These days it's just way more likely to be about something important.
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