WAYYY back when I had morals

Believe it or not, there was a time many many moons ago when I was not a snarky bitch. In fact, I was the complete opposite of the lovely person that I've grown to be. I'm sure my parents are at least slightly disappointed, but I don't feel badly about it at all. I'm sure your parents are slightly disappointed in you too. It's kind of their gig.

This was back in the 1990s when "shut up" was a bad word and PeeWee was known for his acting. I went to church every Sunday. I was nice to everyone in my class (even the scuzzy kids). I played nicely with my sister most of the time even though she was kind of a bitch back then. My favorite show was -no joke- Little House on the Prairie. Those Ingles morals must have really made an impression on my young mind because I know I never paid attention in church at that age (or ever).

Anyway, I was very nice little girl blah blah blah. My parents allowed us to watch The Simpsons before bed each week. There was an episode called "Two Cars in Every Garage And Three Eyes on Every Fish" in which Bart Simpson who was my cartoon crush at the time decided to break my heart into a billion little pieces.

HOW DARE YOU BREAK MY ADORABLE LITTLE HEART BART SIMPSON! LOOK HOW CUTE I WAS!

He said the following prayer:

"Dear God, we paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing"

It was at that moment that I stomped out the room, threw my hands in the air and declared I would never ever watch The Simpsons again. Or at least that's how I remember it. Bart's blasphemous prayer had sparked a fire in me and I was no longer going to watch my favorite cartoon because of my upstanding morality.

This is one of my parents favorite stories to tell, I suppose because of the way I turned out. I will say one thing though that "HOW DARE YOU!?" mentality was obviously there from the get go. I still get mad and throw my arms in the air, or facepalm, or headdesk. These days it's just way more likely to be about something important.

Now you know where I get it...

Mom: There were all these great vacations today on GroupOn but they were like for INLAND places, if I'm going somewhere cool I want to be ON THE BEACH.

We went to the beach last year and the hotel was ACROSS the street from the beach!

Me: I know exactly what you're talking about. Last time we went to the beach we had to go around the block and across TWO streets. It was ridiculous. I felt like I was in a third world country.

Have you accepted Jesus into your Facebook Friends?

I fall asleep quite easily unless I'm anxious. My problem has always been staying asleep once I get there. I am constantly plagued with nightmares and night sweats so a "good night's sleep" is something I don't take for granted. If I get a good night's sleep I will probably tell you about it the next day if I come into contact with you, that's how rare it is.

I was sick 2 weeks ago, so sick that I actually slept on the couch for like 5 nights and ended up going to the doctor. If you know me then you'll know that I hate going to the doctor. I'm not afraid of doctors or needles or anything at the doctor's office (except the scale of course) but I HATE putting medication in my body. I am a terribly paranoid person who has hypochondria and if I so much as see the side effects of the medicine I'm positive I'm going to have EVERY SINGLE ONE of them. So I've mostly started just trashing the important info when I get home and calling my nurse friends if I am convinced I'm going to die from medication side effects. Anyway, I went to the doctor, got some antibiotics and prescription cough medication (that was LOVELY and made me high as a kite), trashed the side effect info and actually finished my medication like a good girl. I felt much better!

Fast forward exactly 2 weeks I am sick again, with the same symptoms just much less severe. I have had enough sinus infections in my life to know that this one will probably just go away, but it doesn't make me feel better now. So I am just drinking lots of water, blowing my nose and insane amount, eating cough drops like they are candy, and trying to get some rest.

I slept like crap last night between bouts of nightmares and waking up to cough my head off. So I decided one of the 57 times I woke up that I would just sleep in because Alden gets off the bus between 2-3 and there is no way I could possibly ever sleep that late in the day. Around 9 AM I start sleeping soundly. The next thing I remember is waking up in a panic because someone is beating on the door. I woke up (and woke Josh up) thinking it had to be Josh's dad because he's retired and everyone else would be at work at noon. I jump out of bed as fast as I can (like I said they were beating the door so I assumed he'd been out there a while), I throw on the Victoria's Secret sweatsuit I'd worn yesterday, and round the corner to the kitchen to get the door.

Who do I see? Well I JUST woke up and this woman sort of resembles my aunt, she waves all friendly like you would to someone you know and so I go to the door and open it. Mistake? YES.

I seriously looked EXACTLY like this when I went to the door.

From this point on the actual exchange of words will be in normal text and the commentary that I was thinking will be in italics.

LADY: Hello Ma'am!

Do NOT call me ma'am that is what you call old people.

ME: Hello.

LADY: Are you aware of the internet's social media sites that people use such as Facebook and The Twitter?

THE TWITTER? Is she serious right now?

ME: Yes, I am very familiar with both of them.

LADY: Well are you aware that there are dangers out there that you might not know about?

Am I AWARE that there are dangers that I don't know about? How would that even work? THERE ARE NOW DANGERS ON THE INTERNET! THERE NEVER WERE BEFORE! AOL WAS A SAFEHAVEN!!!

ME: Yes, but we're all very careful.

LADY: Well we're here today to talk to you about them, I see you weren't expecting company but if you could just give us a moment of your time.

"weren't expecting company?" How dare you! I look really fancy right now with my VS Sweat Suit and my "YOU EFFING WOKE ME UP" hair. Maybe next time if you call first we can work something out...like me not ever answering the door again.

ME: I'm kind of really busy right now, but I will be happy to take your pamphlet and look at it.

YOU WENCH! You woke me up! I will be glad to take your pamphlet and read it specifically for comedic purposes and then I shall post a blog about it on THE EVIL INTERNETS!

She gave me the pamphlet and threatened to come back 'another day'.

It is at that moment that I decide I shall make a sign for my door that says "unless you are selling beer, glitter, or books I don't want any".

I closed the door.

JOSH: What was all that about?

ME: They are trying to save me from THE EVIL INTERNET. I miss the good old days when they just came around annoying you about their religion.

Then I actually bother to look at the front of the pamphlet (which is more like a magazine once I look at it. It says "WHAT SHOULD YOU KNOW ABOUT SOCIAL NETWORKING" really huge at the top and then has some clearly satanic girl wearing a turtleneck sweater dress using the evil internets on a smartphone. Then at the bottom in VERY small letters is the only subheading on the pamphlet which says "How should we pray to GOD?"

VERY SNEAKY. I see what you did there. OMG PARENTS YOUR CHILDREN ARE BEING ON THE TWITTER TALKING TO THE DEVIL!

Also: DO YOU LOVE JESUS?!

I don't have a problem with people who are religious at all. I was raised in a religious household and most of my family and friends are religious. However, I find it interesting that they are using what I'd consider deception to get people to look at their pamphlets. I mean why not put the part about God really big? Or at least where someone could read that part when you are waving it in their face talking about something completely unrelated.

Not only that but "How should you pray?" I did go to church for 14 years of my life and I'm pretty sure that praying was something that was between you and God and it was no one's business and there were no specific rules about it.

P.S. the best part of this was that the lady went to my kitchen door which means that she had to pass both Saint Frances and Buddha to get there. I bet she was confused about what kind of evil I am. (Sidebar: I'm normal person evil, I just collect religious figures because I like them)

Anyway, that is how the lovely sleep I'd FINALLY drifted off into was interrupted today. I just want you guys to know that the internet is evil, especially Facebook and THE TWITTER.

*If you would like to follow my EVIL tweets you can find them here. I'll have to add you first though because it's private. In case the devil tries to add me!

books vs. e-readers

I am so very sick of hearing people talking about 'the evils of e-readers'. I have the original Nook and I absolutely love it. I also love books. Having an e-reader has in no way stopped me from purchasing books. In fact, I have purchased quite a few books since getting the e-reader because having physical copies of certain books is important to me or because I want to support a certain author by purchasing it in hardback.

Does it really matter how we read? Isn't the important thing that we are reading? Why can't we all just get along?

I love my e-reader because I literally have a library in my purse, with the swipe of a finger I can change books or continue a series without having to run to the store or wait until I get home to switch out the books in my purse. I love that I'm not reading paper because it kills trees. I love that I can shop for more books without leaving my couch.

I love printed word books because they have that delicious paper smell. I love books because I can read them in the rain. I love books because they are the first things I really remember from my childhood. I love books because they fill my bookshelves and are stacked and bookended all over my bedroom.

I just love books, I don't care what format they are in. You don't have to choose sides, in fact if you do I think you're a moron. You can have both, you can love both. You should have & love both.

NAILF

This is a blog I've been meaning to write for a while now. It's similar to my "Top 10 Guys I'd Like to Find Under my Christmas Tree", but this one is specifically about NAILF (or News Anchors I'd Like to F". I realized recently I have a thing for people who deliver the news...so I thought this would be a fun little list to make.

STEPHEN COLBERT

He is lovely and smart and he DGAF. He is who he is and he never apologizes for it. He teaches Sunday School on Sunday and writes funny books in his spare time.

JON STEWART

He is hilarious, he is smart, his writing is amazing and he advocates for autism. He is talented and beautiful. LOOK AT DEM EYES.

RACHEL MADDOW

Bet you didn't see that one coming! Rachel is sexy, snarky, and a feminist so I think we'd make brilliant girlfriends because I'm all of those things too!

BRIAN WILLIAMS

It took me until a few years ago to even realize his face is completely sideways like Little Nicky. That is how in love with him I am. He's still perfect to me.

ANDERSON COOPER

JUST LOOK AT HIS FACE. If you don't understand then I'm sorry about your terrible taste. And yes, I realize he's gay but I do not care.

TOM BROKAW

my first news anchor crush. This man's voice rivals Alan Rickman & Morgan Freeman for my favorite voice ever. I want him to read me the phone book and tell me about the days before everyone had television.

taking a break

Yesterday I took a break from the internet for 24 hours. This was my way of protesting SOPA. I decided that if the sites that I used on a daily basis weren't willing to black-out for 24 hours that I would just refuse to use them for that amount of time. It wasn't the first time I'd thought about taking a willing break from the internet. In fact I'd been thinking about it a lot recently and my want for time to completely clear my head.

I wanted a break from all the statuses about TV, the tweets about the morons in the GOP race, and even a break from the Shit fill in the blank Say videos. It's not that I don't care, it's the opposite in fact. I care, I care too much about the internet. I love the internet, I can say what I want and share what I want and have friends in all other parts of the world.

Of course all of that is bound to change if SOPA and PIPA pass. I do want to say quickly that I am against them both and that if you haven't done anything about them passing that you are either A) too lazy to read an article about something that WILL affect you or B) a moron who doesn't understand how these things WILL affect you. Either way, you need to figure it out and do something about it.

This is about me though, not those bills and the trolls trying to pass them. I needed a break from the constant stream of information and I know that I did the right thing.

So while I was internet free I had a lot of time to think. In fact, when I woke up I went to my computer and saw my "NO INTERNET TODAY" note I left on my computer. Panic struck me. PANIC!

• What if someone important dies?
• What if there is a natural disaster somewhere?
• What if it's discovered that Mitt Romney's flawless hair is because he wears a wig?
• What if one of my friends gets broken up with an needs to talk?

So I sat there struck with panic thinking about all these things and then I thought "What the hell can I do about it anyway?" Is my being on the internet RIGHT THAT SECOND to comment about something really something I care about? No. Is it going to help any of those situations? No. If my friend needs to talk they have my phone number and I'm probably the last person you should call if you get dumped (just an FYI: I am NOT a comforting person and I'll probably just tell you to get the hell over it.)

Once the initial panic of not constantly being plugged into all the information in the world went away my day was blissful. I played outside with Alden, we went to the library, we got him some food, we came home and played videogames together and watched TV, and made a tent to read our library books in. It wasn't really any DIFFERENT than any other day except for the fact that we weren't both being pulled to opposing sides of the room to periodically check on our computers. There was no "Facebook Messenger" tone that I felt the need to respond to right away, no unfinished schoolwork hanging over my head, and not a care about anything that was going on outside our little living room fort. I was completely tuned in to JUST being present.

I'm not saying I didn't look at my computer with the big "NO INTERNET TODAY" sign and make a sad face a few times and I'm not saying that Alden didn't pitch an absolute fit when I tried to explain to him why we needed time away. We have a problem, we have grown accustomed to this. This is everyone's new way of life. It's damaging us, we aren't ever fully away. Most people (who obviously have way more money than I do) have SmartPhones, they are literally never more than a touchscreen away and why? What are we so afraid we're going to miss?

I'll tell you exactly what I missed. I scrolled through & read every update from yesterday. I missed 3 friends who can obviously read and were posting about SOPA and trying to make a different. I missed a lot of Facebook drama and the names of those people who everyone wants to be the next American Idol. THAT IS IT. I missed nothing. I regret nothing.

Yes, we are back online today and no we aren't going to unplug completely anytime soon. Yes, I'm blogging about this because blogging has become part of how I deal with things. Being away for a short time, just one day made me really think. We are definitely going to unplug one day a week. It was so nice and quiet and it cleared our heads and for the first time our day was uninterrupted by people who weren't present. We ourselves were completely present.

Books/Movies/TV/Comics/Concerts 2012

I've decided to be one of those people who keeps track of what they read/watch all year. Bear with me or just ignore me. Either way is fine! :D

Books

The Hunger Games

Catching Fire

Mockingjay

The Stepford Wives

A Game of Thrones
Fight Club
Let's Pretend This Never Happened
A Clash of Kings
Dead as a Doornail
Definitely Dead
Looking for Alaska

Carrie
The Passage

Movies (first time views only, nothing previously seen before)

Tangled

TiMER

Nell

Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me

Young Adult

The Wild & Wonderful Whites of West Virginia

The Cabin in the Woods

The Avengers

Valley of the Dolls

Ciao! Manhattan
Hitler's Children

The House of Yes
Dana the 8 Year Old Anorexic
Deborah 13: Servant of God
Comic-Con Episode IV: A Fan's Hope
Moonrise Kingdom
The Dark Knight Rises

The Mindscape of Alan Moore

Flowers in the Attic

Sybil (2007 remake)

The House of the Devil

When A Stranger Calls
The Last House on the Left
The Ward
The Orphanage
Excision
The Haunting
House on Haunted Hill
Don't Be Afraid of the Dark
The Moth Diaries
The Nameless
Carrie (TV Movie)
Bless the Child
Ginger Snaps
The Bad Seed
Dolls
Sorority House Massacre
Bachelorette
Safety Not Guaranteed
Beasts of the Southern Wild
The Imposter
For a Good Time Call
Damsels in Distress
The Perks of Being a Wallflower
On The Road
Pitch Perfect
The Hobbit

TV (only old shows watched from beginning to end/nothing currently running)

Twin Peaks

Battlestar Galactica*

Comics (which I will not be counting as 'books' unless they are graphic novels)

Buffy Season 9 (ongoing)

Angel & Faith (ongoing)

Batwoman (ongoing)

Batgirl (ongoing)

Birds of Prey (ongoing)

The Walking Dead (ongoing)

Concerts

TOOL
Zoso
Amanda Palmer + The Grand Theft Orchestra
First Aid Kit

*indicates currently reading/watching

(This post is post-dated so it remains at the top of this blog.)